CAPTIONS 6
AN ADVENTURE IN GOTHIC COMEDY
(Closed Captioned For the Comedy Impaired)

	EPISODE 661: Collins governess Victoria Winters #2 has disappeared into the past with her lover Jeff Clark (aka Peter Bradford). Former vampire Barnabas Collins and his relatively youthful ward Julia Hoffman find a tombstone (not the pizza kind) in the cemetery, which indicates that Vicki was executed for witchraft shortly after her arrival (an idea later stolen by Back to the Future III). Barnabas resolves to follow Vicki back to 1796 and alter history yet again in order to save her. But before he can do that, he must spend an entire episode on exposition, to explain to Julia what originally happened on that night...
	EPISODE 662: Having now told Julia what originally happened in Episode 459, Barnabas "wishes" himself back in time (Don't ask!) to relive, improve, and remaster the experience, and immediately runs into his old sidekick Ben Stokes. They collectively get rid of Barnabas' father, Joshua Collins, to cover for Louis Edmonds, who is on vacation. Barnabas meets Vicki and finds that her face has changed yet again. Vicki #3 now looks like Laurie Partridge, rather than Monica Lewinsky, but Barnabas resolves to save her anyway. With Ben's help, Barnabas re-lives the big encounter with Ensign Forbes, and succeeds in getting it to come out more or less the way it did the first time. The only problem is that it's supposed to end differently. Will Barnabas remember this tiny detail? Tune in next time to see.
	EPISODE 663: In our last exciting episode, Barnabas had gone back to 1796, not to right all the wrongs of the whole 1795 Story, as he easily might have done if he'd gone back a few months earlier, but only to save Vicki #3 from the gallows. For reasons known only to himself, Barnabas re-lived the entire confrontation with Nathan Forbes (already seen in Eps. 459 and 661), rather than just putting the bite on Forbes in the Eagle, and taking him straight to the Sheriff. If there's a moral in all this, it's DON'T time travel by the seat of your pants, work out your plan before you go. When the episode ended, we'd just gotten to the point where Forbes fires the crossbow into Barnabas' heart. The last two times we saw this, Nathan ended up dead. Will the third time be the charm?
	EPISODE 664: Last week, as you'll recall, Barnabas had gone back in time to 1796 to save the lives of Vicki and Peter Bradford, and ended up batting .500. Unfortunately, it was the WRONG .500, since it was Vicki, not Peter, that he'd hoped to make time with afterwards. With Vicki's execution imminent, Barnabas retires to the study to ponder his options, only to find the body of a Dock Hooker he'd munched earlier that night sitting in a chair beside him. He immediately rushes to Joshua yelling "She followed me home, can I keep her?" Okay, that's NOT what happens. To find out what does happen, you'll have to read it yourself. (Hint: Who's your favorite witch? No, not Wendy, keep guessing...)
	EPISODE 665: Previously, Barnabas wished himself back to 1796 to save Vicki #3 from hanging, and hopefully to get a date with her afterwards. Failing to do this, and unable to make a deal with the Devil, he made one with Angelique instead. Despite having Angelique on his side, Vicki went to the gallows and got hanged. ("Ohhhh, you wanted me to SAVE her!") All appears to be lost, but if it were, the story would be over, which it isn't. Is there such a thing as life after death on Dark Shadows? Not much suspense in that question, but read this week's episode anyway.
	EPISODE 666: Previously, Barnabas wished himself back to 1796, saved Vicki and Peter Bradford from hanging, and even managed to get Angelique all burned up about it in the process. The problem now is finding his way back to the 20th century. Unable to wish himself forward in time the same way he wished himself back (that doesn't seem fair!), he decides to be chained in his coffin as he was originally. Unfortunately, before Ben can come back with the chains, Ensign Forbes and the Countess duPres arrive with stake and hammer to do the nasty with him. In fact, I'm pretty sure we actually heard the stake being driven just as the show faded to black, so unless this gets called back on Instant Replay, Barnabas is ALREADY dead!
	EPISODE 667: Our mini-story winds down today. In 1796, Barnabas has saved Vicki, destroyed Angelique, and mucked up the timeline a hundred different ways that will be totally forgotten once he returns to the present. Barnabas returns to the present by Coffin Express (When it absolutely positively has to be there in 172 years), as Josette's Ghost alerts Julia and Willie to rescue him from the mausoleum before time runs out or air runs out or something. This accomplished, the episode peters out with a few scenes about Quentin's ghost possessing the Devil Tots, which won't make a lot of sense unless you're familiar with that story already.

---

The Collins Family In History...

"(Nicholas) Is it really true? That story that Isaac Collins bought Collinsport from the Indians for $24 worth of brandy?" "(Stokes) Yes indeed. It was regarded as the most one-sided deal in the history of the colonies." "(Nicholas) By historians?" "(Stokes) By Isaac. Unfortunately, by the time he came to his senses, the Indians had already drunk all the brandy."

"(Nicholas) What about the revolutionary period? Did any of the Collins family make their mark there?" "(Stokes) Oh yes, several. For example, Nathan Hale Collins, famous for saying "I regret that I have but one draught to lift to my country." Or John Paul Collins, who said "I have not yet begun to drink." Patrick Henry Collins: "Give me brandy or give me death." And then of course, there was Benedict Collins." "(Nicholas) What did he say?" "(Stokes) He didn't say anything, he was head of the Temperance League."

"(Amy) Who's that portrait?" "(David) That's Thaddeus Collins. He used to write battle cries in the Civil War." "(Amy) What do you mean he wrote battle cries?" "(David) You know, like "Don't Give up the Ship". "I have not yet begun to fight". "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead". He came up with sayings like that to help inspire the troops." "(Amy) Those ones are famous. What's one he came up with?" "(David) Well, he's best known for one he wrote for the 20th Maine at Little Round Top: "Wait until you see their head, then give 'em some lead." "(Amy) He went into battle yelling that?" "(David) No, he shot himself in the foot to get out of battle that day. He just told it to his Lieutenant." "(Amy) That doesn't seem very courageous." "(David) The men turned on the Lieutenant, they say."

The Collins Family In Business...

"(Chris) You know, if you'd asked me a week ago what I knew about the Collinses, I'd have said "Zip". Now they're taking care of my sister." "(Carolyn) Well, life is funny." "(Chris) I'd have said 'Oh yeah, they're the ones who live in that haunted house on Widow's Hill'." "(Carolyn) Well, it's not exactly "haunted", it's more... atmospheric." "(Chris) They're the ones who own that cannery that pays minimum wage, and leads the northeast in industrial accidents." "(Carolyn) Can we go back to "Zip"?"

"(Carolyn) Have you ever known the Collins family to take in strangers? For years, nothing. Then suddenly Jason McGuire and Julia Hoffman both take up long-term residence within the space of a few months, for no obvious reason. Didn't you wonder why?" "(Tony) Yeah, I did think that was strange." "(Carolyn) Well, surely you knew it was something scandalous." "(Tony) Oh, well of course. But you can't put too much stock in that. I'm biased, I think everything the Collins family does is scandalous. I even thought it was a scandal when they painted their fence last year." "(Carolyn) I don't remember anyone thinking that was a scandal." "(Tony) No, they managed to whitewash that one."

"(Blair) You'll notice that the only Collins property that doesn't have a mortgage on it is the big house; Collinwood itself." "(Burke) I suppose pride kept them from putting that up for hock." "(Blair) Not at all. According to Mr. Harris, Mrs. Stoddard's banker, she practically got down on one knee and begged him to let her borrow money off of it, but he turned her down. It seems the place isn't considered an asset. It's more of a liability." "(Burke) I wonder why?" "(Blair) Who would want it? A big old house like that? A century old, and full of secrets. Anyone buying it would be likely to have it seized, anyway. Either by the state as a historical landmark, or by the FBI as a crime scene."

The Collins Family In Miscellany...

Business: "(Liz Stoddard, reading) Which Greedy Capitalist do you most resemble? Take this simple quiz... Oh, look! The article lists me as one of the possible answers! Well, I'd better answer these questions carefully. I'd hate to find out that I wasn't like myself..."

History: "(Chris) What is this place?" "(Barnabas) It's the mausoleum secret room." "(Chris) I can see that, but why does such a thing even exist?" "(Barnabas) It was built during the Revolutionary War to store ammunition for the Battle of Bunker Hill." "(Chris) Collinsport, Maine is kind of a long way from Bunker Hill, isn't it?" "(Barnabas) That's why, until they streamlined the process, Minutemen were referred to as Fortnightmen."

Identifying Themselves: "(Roger) Who answered when you called Collinwood just now?" "(Sam) I couldn't tell." "(Roger) Well, 'Whiny' is Carolyn, 'Bratty' is David, 'Clueless' is Miss Winters, and 'Haughty' is Liz." "(Sam) It was Prissy." "(Roger) Well, that's me, and I know you didn't talk to me."

Approximately 90% of the pictures in these lists were personally created by Linda Cree, with her little Snappy Card, after she spent months watching the show with an eye towards spotting good full face shots as they went by. She also did enormous work in producing filler pictures for the Dark Shadows Captions I - VI books.

Sign Burke's Guestbook View Burke's Guestbook (Whoops! Guestbook Feature not available on this new website. Stay tuned to see what, if anything, replaces it)

You are visitor number 23,486,645,918,421 to this page. (Would we lie to you?)